How To Talk To Your Spouse About Wanting To Become A Surrogate

Dear Scholastic Surrogate-

I’ve been thinking about becoming a surrogate for several months. I mentioned it to my husband in the beginning of my research, but I don’t know he seriously he took it. After all my research, I’ve decided it’s definitely something that I want to do. How do I get my spouse on board for my surrogacy journey? - How to Tell The Hubby

Hi, How to Tell The Hubby-

Deciding to becoming a surrogate is a huge step! Congrats! And kudos on doing your research—it’s too important to not thoroughly investigate it before making a decision. As for getting hubby on board, this can obviously vary depending on your spouse’s personality and how seriously you talked about it before. Telling your spouse that you’d like to carry someone else’s baby is not an easy topic to bring up! Here are a few points you may want to discuss while talking to your husband.

    1. Explain The Why—Start by telling him how much it means to you and why you want to do it. Spouses generally support each other in their passions (or at least want to try to) and gestational carriers are definitely passionate about helping another family or they wouldn’t go through everything they do. Share this passion with him. Tell him what made you come to the conclusion that you wanted to pursue the surrogacy journey. Share your thoughts and feelings with him and hopefully he’ll see your passion and will understand how much it means to you, even if he may not completely get it.

    2. Address Health Concerns—Sometimes resistance from a spouse about the surrogacy journey stems from health concerns. The most important person in their live is telling them that they’re going to do something that may put their health at risk, all for another family. While these concerns are valid in that, as with anything, there are risks involved with surrogacy, sometimes people get misinformation which might cause undue panic. Start by getting him the correct stats on the outcomes of surrogacy pregnancies. Because surrogacy has such strict requirements and qualifications, clinics won't accept you as a client unless you are a good candidate for surrogacy so the success rates of healthy outcomes is very high. Send your husband good surrogacy stories to show him that it's not all negative like he has heard on the news.

    3. Talk To The Experts—When in doubt, talk to the experts. Have an appointment with your OBGYN or RE to go through the process of surrogacy. Contact a local reputable agency, like New Mexico Surrogacy, who would be more than happy to walk you through the entire process and answer any questions you or your spouse may have before you take the final plunge. 

    4. Chat With Previous Surrogate—This goes with the one above. Chat with the ones who knows best…and who knows better than someone who has actually been through the process before? Talk to someone who has previously or currently is a gestational surrogate (and their spouse!). They can walk you through any challenges they’ve had as a couple through the surrogacy journey and give you any information you’re looking for based on their actual experience! Don’t know anyone who has been a gestational surrogate? No problem! There are many surrogacy/gestational carrier support groups online (through social media and otherwise). In addition, location agencies do surrogacy support meet ups for those in the surrogacy process or those thinking about the surrogacy process. They are usually informal and allow women to share their experiences and support each other from the decision making stage through post-partum. 

Surrogacy is definitely something in which you need spousal support. It’s an exhausting process both physically and emotionally (although, don’t forget the payoff is SO worth it!). So…it’s good to get your husband on board, but keep in mind, you’ll also need to support him. This will affect him as well as he will have an increase in his load of responsibilities, and it’s important to be sensitive to that. Best wishes to you and your husband on this amazing journey! - The Scholastic Surrogate

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