How I Talk to My Kids About How They Were Conceived
My kids were conceived through third party-reproduction (that’s fancy talk for using donated materials or relying upon surrogacy). In my kids’ case, it was egg donation. And I have talked to them about it since they were little.
I know the common theme is to start talking about it with your kids when they are born. So YOU as the parent can get used to the conversation. And your kids will never have a memory of the time that mom and dad, or mom and mom, or dad and dad sat them down and told them the story of their conception. That’s a good thing. You don’t want your kids to “find out”, you want them always to know.
What a lot of folks do is tell the kid’s story to them while reading one of the many books out there for kids conceived through gestational surrogacy. I’m sure you’ve heard of these books, like The Kangaroo Pouch, by Sarah A. Phillips, or The Very Kind Koala, by Kimberly Kluger-Bell. There’s also Sophia’s Broken Crayon, by Crystal Falk, and Grown in Another Garden by the same author. For two dad families, Why I’m So Special, by Carla Lewis-Long, is a good choice. There are lots of other good choices out there too--check out Amazon.
The general idea is to tell the kids how awesome surrogacy is and how happy the parents are to have their child. It’s all about a positive attitude—after all, surrogacy is just another medical option for having babies for those folks who need a little help.
I have always stuck with this “assisted reproduction is a great thing” approach. But my method is a little different. I have twins so I was too darn tired when they were babies to read them books. I mean I couldn’t even get through Goodnight Moon. I know twin mamas (and papas) will understand! So I just worked their donor conception into regular conversation.
At the pediatrician’s office? I’d make sure to bring up the donor when talking about family medical history.
Checking out Facebook? I’d show them the donor’s recent posts and comment on how one kid looks like her and the other doesn’t.
Every year on March 30th—” Hey guys it’s the anniversary of when you were made. This is the day that the donor went to the doctor’s office and the doctor took her eggs for me.”
And every year on April 5th—I remind them that “this is the day you come home with me from the doctor’s office.”
All this can be tweaked to fit your family’s situation--whether it be two dads via surrogacy, or a single mom via known sperm donation or a mom and dad who turned to embryo donation. Your story is a valid and important one and you don’t need to be afraid to share it with your kiddos.
But even if you are open with your kids from the start, don’t be surprised if you get strange questions from the kids. Like, my daughter yelling from the shower “Hey mom, remind me about how I was adopted!”. So then my job was to model the correct language for her.
Talking to your kids about how they were conceived is not a one-time event—rather, it’s a process that evolves over time to adapt to your kids as they grow. So don’t be afraid to have these conversations with your kiddos, whatever method of assisted reproduction you used to grow your family.