Dear Scholastic Surrogate, I fear my kids are too young to understand surrogacy

Dear Scholastic Surrogate, My kids are young. Will they understand what going on if I am a gestational surrogate?  I am afraid they may not understand and am unsure on how to go about explaining this process with them. What was your experience? -Thinking about their well being too

Dear Thoughtful,

We all comprehend and learn things differently, and it’s the same for children.  It’s usually easier if you don’t start off by using the scientific wording of how babies are made through surrogacy, but make it age appropriate for them. I think you might be surprised at what they will understand. At the time I started my surrogacy journey, my kids were the ages four and one. I started by explaining how we have a family and you have a little sister; and some mommies are unable to have children so they need a little help from us to create their family. We then explained that Mommy will have a baby in her tummy growing, and when that baby is ready to come out that baby will go home with their mom and dad because we are just keeping the baby warm for them until they can come out into the world. You can explain it however you like to your children. There was not one bit of hesitation from my four year old; she was so excited to meet new people and help. My one year old was still in pre-toddler land just rolling with whatever sister was doing. If sister was excited, she was sure she should be too. 

My children then met the intended parents for the first time, and they were even more understanding then I thought they would ever be. We did explain and mentally prepare them before we met, but we were realistic about how much a one year old might understand. She knew that these people were nice to her and her sister likes them so she would too.  By the time the babies were born my one year old was two and gained even more understanding. She talks about the babies all the time now. When we get pictures or texts we all stop what we are doing and just smile and talk about the babies with each other. We weren’t scared to hold anything back from them; we always talked to them about what was going on and made sure that they were ok. 

I am very lucky that my intended parents are willing and able to share pictures and videos with us so we can see the children grow. We are even lucky enough to live near enough that we can visit them from time to time. 

Remember, every child learns differently and every child takes a different amount of time to comprehend things. If you respect that in your children they will learn to do the same for you and understand the amazing thing you are doing for someone. 

Another great blog on children’s books about surrogacy here.

As an agency we have many resources for you and your children. If you are interested in learning more, check us out here.