Why Do Intended Parents Need a Psychological Evaluation?
After all of our appointments with fertility doctors and nurses, you’re now telling us we have to meet with a mental health professional? At first glance this is not what any intended parent wants to hear but I’m here to tell you, it’s definitely worth your time. Reputable fertility clinics and agencies will require you to meet with a specifically trained mental health professional for what we in the industry call an intended parent’s consultation. Did you notice they want you to meet with a specifically trained mental health professional? By that I am meaning a professional who has been trained in reproductive medicine counseling (preferably a counselor who is a member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine-ASRM) because you want to work with someone who gets it. Someone who not only understands the alphabet soup of infertility (IVF, GCs, IPs, ICSI, REs) but also knows the unique challenges associated with gestational surrogacy. To tell you about the consultation it is NOT an evaluation. I often tell clients this is not a pass/fail test or a fitness for parenting test. Believe me, I’m not looking to see if you’re “crazy” is going to come out. I’m not going to question why you love the person that you do or why you’re needing to use a surrogate. Instead, I want to educate you about this process. I want to give you a chance to feel understood and I want you to be well prepared for all the emotions which can surface during the surrogacy cycle, pregnancy and beyond. If you are married or have a partner in which you are planning to embark upon this parenthood path together, then both of you would need to meet with the mental health professional together. If you are a single individual, then obviously it’s just you and the counselor meeting to talk about this unique way to grow your family. During the consultation, the mental health professional will ask questions to get to know you better. I have found this to be helpful because it allows the mental health professional and the agency to learn more about you so they can better match you with a potential surrogate. They will then ask about your fertility history and how it came about that you are needing a gestational surrogate. We ask these questions not to bring up a great source of pain, but to offer you a safe space to sort out your feelings and to make sure you feel emotionally ready to proceed with the surrogacy cycle and pregnancy. We will also talk about what to emotionally expect while using a surrogate. For example, how does one navigate this relationship together? What type of relationship (if any) do you want with your surrogate after the pregnancy? In addition to helping you think about these things, I think the most helpful part of the consultation is learning how to talk to others about this family planning option and if it works, how do you tell your child? The mental health professional should also share with you how the surrogate is psychologically screened and how her records are stored so you can rest assure that there are certain standards your surrogate has to meet in order for her to serve as a surrogate.
So, what if your fertility clinic doesn’t require this consultation. Is it still worth your time and effort? Yes. While you may be thinking…of course the mental health professional is going to recommend this, I want you to take a minute and think about this incredibly important, next step of your life. While other people are fortunate enough to have sex to make a baby, you have to go through this very intrusive and expensive process to make your dreams come true. At every corner you have to make some very heavy decisions (i.e., What do we do if it is a twin pregnancy? What will we do with any remaining embryos?). You are also spending A LOT of your precious time, emotional energy and money to have a child. Given this, why wouldn’t you allow yourself the opportunity to think this through with someone who is your advocate? I often tell clients we are all on team baby. While the surrogate may seem like the quarterback, you as the intended parents are the receivers. Your doctor, nurses, case manager and the mental health professional all want this to work for you. So give yourself this gift. I think you’ll find it to be surprisingly helpful.
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alison@alisonwilsonphd.com